All you need is love

As the year is coming to a close, my habitual reflection on the events that occurred has already begun. It is all but normal to do that and I don't think I'm the only person who sits and wonders to judge whether or not this year has been good for her in terms of accomplishments, stability, excitement, adventures, love and general happiness.

I seem to have drawn a pattern from my year end evaluations where I believe that all my transition years have been difficult, even if rewarding and highly fulfilling. Well, I can't deny that as I grow older, life just gets tougher and the sooner I accept that the better it is for me. And really, the kind of person I am and given the age phase that I'm in, changes or transitions are not inevitable but also GOOD! Yet, one cannot disagree to say that transitioning phases have a unique sense of struggle to it, no matter what.

All in all, it has been going quite great! I'm finally out of the dreadful education system that I felt I was rotting in and feel that I'm living out the greater part of my potential out in the professional field. And though, I have tons of complaints while even being part of the action, I wouldn't wish to ever go back. Well, I wouldn't wish to go back on anything. Is that a sign of contentment?

I thought researching, documenting and analysing my quarter life crisis would help me to prepare myself for future surprises, bolts and hiccups well, which it has, but it hasn't resolved all the issues from the past, which is an unrealistic expectation to begin with. Events and instances helped me realize that I'm still carrying so much baggage from the past to the point that I've felt no better than I did when I was 16. The repercussions of this realization made me feel small, immature and inferior to many in my league and peer group. But since I'm in no pressing hurry to grow up, it also gave me a lot of breathing space to just be myself. Seeing a few friends marry and some others contemplate their long term commitments as potential nuptial ties, it just made me think how I am nowhere close to even being ready. There are those who think in a few years of 3-4 while others can't imagine any possibility due to the lack of a present prospect, I neither can put a time line to it nor can I guarantee I'll be able to if I find a stable companion. In fact, just the possibility of meeting a great guy (one who doesn't have unresolved baggage or act like a college kid) seems quite fantastical at this point.

I don't think I'm even a quarter of the woman that I can be or want to become. I think I've just begun to have a taste of life. I think I'm really still negotiating a lot of personal spaces in terms of relationship with my parents, the kind of girl I am, the kind of girlfriend I make etc. I'm just slowly sinking into responsibilities but the best part of it is that I'm choosing and creating those responsibilities instead of just accepting whatever's thrust my way (Of course, I do get a lot of flak for not easily succumbing to the latter).

What I've liked most from this year is how I've begun charting out my path in life and that for me is the most important. Surely doing something like this is not easy and is bound to be difficult when more so often you find yourself alone on your side versus everyone. Its been so difficult that at times I just have wished to be like everyone. Actually, I've wished that I was someone who'd do what everyone did in blissful ignorance. That way, I wouldn't have had to deal with most of my painful deviances. Its not that I'm trying to be different, its just that I am, involuntarily. Blind acceptance I have tried, very earnestly, and have failed apart from being miserable. Either way, I'm miserable. Might as well be while doing my own thing.

Here's to another year of being miserable my way!

P.S. Maybe what I can hope for the new year is to be loved more generously. I think I have been praised or appreciated in my moments but the love has been missing for a while. And its not JUST pampering and coddling that I refer to, although there's nothing that a soft, big kitty likes more than being hair brushed and warmly rubbed. No, I'm not suicidal. I do know that people love me but that's more like a cognitive awareness than an emotion I was made to feel. We all need to be made to feel special and loved in all display, gesture and touch. Is it too much to ask for without belittling me in judgement?

Birthday blog - Lost and unfounded

You know that rhetorically stupid question, "So how does it feel to be 18 or 21 or 30?"

And while you're really wondering if you're supposed to be feeling something, you reply in all pomp, "Great!".

This time, however, I actually felt something. 'Different' is the closest I can come to while describing my wandering soul in my own world and the world I inhibit. I don't have any straightforward answers but only more questions. Sometimes, I don't have answers at all.

As part of my agenda with this blog (not that you really need one), I thought of reflecting on some important aspects of my life, perhaps, to see how far I have gotten to achieving my goals and more importantly, how content am I with where I am.

Body/image perception:- I'd like to begin with saying that the world is very cruel on this regard. It certainly has ways of manipulating you into seeing things from their eyes, neglecting the novelty of your own. The world has sort of touted me as a late bloomer on this aspect with my "feminity" only beginning now to start the circle (yeah, its still not taken full circle). Despite being well aware of what the world expected me to look like, I'm not making any conscious efforts now to "fit in". My evolution is absolutely my choice in the socialization of what best suits me. My well rounded figure, gigantic appearance (especially from behind) and once-in-a-while awkward face is part and parcel of a beauty, that does not come in glossy pages. At the risk of sounding narcissistic, I have never felt more beautiful!

Achievement:- I've never been an all-star kid. For that matter, I'm the jack of only some trades. Being an average Joe, however, is no excuse to aim low and I'm a living example of it. Perhaps its ambition more than brilliance that gets you places. And like any prodigy or dork, I've had my share of wonderful highs and humiliating lows. I don't know exactly at what point does a career begin but I can smile upon all the work (be it the littlest of contribution to an organization) that i've done so far. My grades have never been higher than a 'High Average'. Curse my lack of competitiveness for it. A lot of times I've learned from doing what was not supposed to be done. Yet, I've never run into a rabbit hole when a contemporary or junior challenged or wanted to know more from me. And as embarassing as they are, I've never been too ashamed of my bloopers either. Its a subjective take but I've treated achievement as when i'm moved or changed by it far more than resting on appreciation or external reward. But for the sake of my CV, distinction in college is still a dream away.

Identity:- This is perhaps the most fucked up part and shall never so much as come to being very resolved. Its very hard to put it in words but I don't really think I have a sense of absolute belonging anywhere. Being raised in a multi-cultural mainstream definitely has had its disadvantages. You may be able to adapt to many environments, however, do not fit in any. And the ironical thing is that it is a more sensitive matter with others than me. I could breeze through life the way I am but for a good couple of moronic idealists. Moreover culture, identity and community is always a sensitive issue with others more than the individual self. This will definitely have a huge bearing on who I eventually settle with. But more than anything, I just want someone I can come home to. Home being acceptance more than the pressure to conform.

Sociability:- I like to think of myself as friendly, that undeniably I'll always be. Not so much in degree but qualitatively I've "evolved" a lot on this front. And as bleak as it will sound, I still do believe for the better. For one, I've learned to rely on my own companionship a lot more. Its not just a matter of personal space but how I can fancy the idea of spending saturday night with cable and popcorn just as much as drunken stupor with friends. Of course technology has its own part to play here but to some extent even keeping that aside.

Then there is the selectivity of people I want to be with. I don't mean to put myself as an heiress who has to pick her entourage but there just increasingly are a lot of people I'd rather not waste my time with. On top of it, owing to a bitter experience, I'm (unconsciously) overcompensating in becoming socially and emotionally blunt. In the past, I would pursue before the blink of an eye whilst now I either have the two most assumed words for anyone or the benefit of doubt to someone one means something more. Sounds awfully crude but one has a lot to lose in a heartless world.

I'm still very open to variety of people and their traits but my tolerance for non-sense, merely hypocrisy and prejudice, has drastically decreased. There is a stark lack of initiative too, especially with newbies, as the offense to the ego at the event of rejection is insufferable. The status quo is sad as there is a permanence of loneliness because the self is not enough and the bird in hand might as well fly off to the bush any moment.

Relationships:- This is of course in multifold respects and not merely revelling in the obvious connotation. I don't know the kind of position I really take on here. Again, perhaps (over-indulging in the usage), honesty is almost everything to me. I do say 'almost', meaning courtesy/obligations can never really be sidestepped. But Britney Spears sang it for me when she said, "Baby, what you see is what you get". It is this transparency of emotions and thoughts that make me immature about relationships. Unfortunately (only for me, I suppose), mind games and psychological warfare happen just as much in interpersonal relations as is engaged in a luncheon or a political conference (which is said to be done out of necessity). I forgive easily and usually let go of my pride. I feel the need to breathe easy in my own lair as I'm so much on guard out there in the jungle. Needless to say, I have suffered; much more because of my own doing and of being this way and there are miles to go before I can sleep on this one.

Enlightenment:- I probably feel the most positive on this particular aspect of life. Enlightenment to me is all that I have come to learn, acquire and understand. And I can safely call myself one of the sharper knives in the shelf. I have a take on issues that is usually very unique and original. Wit and sarcasm are amongst the most fully bloomed. I would unabashedly credit myself with a lack of a wide gap between book and street smarts. More than anything, I have full confidence in the awareness of the usage of my know-how and skills, regardless of how wide. The only thing I'm cautioned about is putting my foot in my mouth, a tendency I'm gullible to. A lot more wisdom is necessary with a li'l intellect.

So this is how it feels to be 22. I'm sorry this wasn't the answer you were looking for?

The confession of nothingness

"7th March, '09

3.55 A.M

Life has no fucking meaning right now. I have either lost touch of all that I stood for and worked towards or am in great doubt. And whatever I speak and do right now is just a convincing act to others as a proof of my "goal directed behavior" and "sanity".

Honestly speaking, I either feel apathetic to things or am greatly disturbed by them, with my middle path as laughing it all off. Sticking safely to this midle path, life has really become a big joke for me. I just try to get by days with fleeting moments of petty joy (most usually at someone's cost) and think just as absolutely great about myself. Even if I'm unsuccessful at grandiosity of the self, I atleast get some reassurance in a way that I'm keeping tabs on myself with a depression meter.

Playing the facade has its own limitations, though. The point at which you drastically move from playing it to the reality of living the bore, drudgery or hurt, it numbs you for a while in a weird kinda way like you're frozen between time periods.

So yeah thats my life. I could look at it from the rosy picture of keeping myself busy, doing my work, being as good a person (pffrrrrt...:P), performing as many responsibilities, whining a li'l, laughing a lot more...

Yet I can't piece them all together to make something meaningful. Like I said, what it FEELS like is just all a really convincing facade to the point that I get convinced at times. However, I don't know if its a higher power in the form of my conscience or the madness of my head that doesn't let me just be blissfully ignorant of the 'subset' of life.

I fantasize a lot. I daydream in between classes, conversations with friends, studying, having fun, and even something as serious (for me) as watching a movie. Its funny, sometimes I would just pause a movie to happily allow myself to day dream awhile before I can "seriously" continue. I mean its all wishful thinking right, thats not supposed to harm anyone? As long as i.e. I keep the boundaries of fantasy and reality in check. This sort of tends to make day dreaming a kind of a drag, though. I mean its only enjoyable so long as you think (no matter how seriously) that there is a slight chance of 'it' coming true. It makes me wonder, though, can life ever turn out to be much more than a fantasy? Do we necessarily always drop down to reality?

Food for thought and I'd like to live to see this happening. Hey, I just got a goal to live for yet life sucks now coz nothing I want is accessible to me and...*sigh* I don't know what I want."

My mom once told me that when you reach 21, you realize how immature you are. Now them fancy pants are calling it a, 'quarter life crisis'.