Sunday, June 14, 2009

The confession of nothingness

"7th March, '09
3.55 A.M

Life has no fucking meaning right now. I have either lost touch of all that I stood for and worked towards or am in great doubt. And whatever I speak and do right now is just a convincing act to others as a proof of my "goal directed behavior" and "sanity".

Honestly speaking, I either feel apathetic to things or am greatly disturbed by them, with my middle path as laughing it all off. Sticking safely to this midle path, life has really become a big joke for me. I just try to get by days with fleeting moments of petty joy (most usually at someone's cost) and think just as absolutely great about myself. Even if I'm unsuccessful at grandiosity of the self, I atleast get some reassurance in a way that I'm keeping tabs on myself with a depression meter.

Playing the facade has its own limitations, though. The point at which you drastically move from playing it to the reality of living the bore, drudgery or hurt, it numbs you for a while in a weird kinda way like you're frozen between time periods.

So yeah thats my life. I could look at it from the rosy picture of keeping myself busy, doing my work, being as good a person (pffrrrrt...:P), performing as many responsibilities, whining a li'l, laughing a lot more...
Yet I can't piece them all together to make something meaningful. Like I said, what it FEELS like is just all a really convincing facade to the point that I get convinced at times. However, I don't know if its a higher power in the form of my conscience or the madness of my head that doesn't let me just be blissfully ignorant of the 'subset' of life.

I fantasize a lot. I daydream in between classes, conversations with friends, studying, having fun, and even something as serious (for me) as watching a movie. Its funny, sometimes I would just pause a movie to happily allow myself to day dream awhile before I can "seriously" continue. I mean its all wishful thinking right, thats not supposed to harm anyone? As long as i.e. I keep the boundaries of fantasy and reality in check. This sort of tends to make day dreaming a kind of a drag, though. I mean its only enjoyable so long as you think (no matter how seriously) that there is a slight chance of 'it' coming true. It makes me wonder, though, can life ever turn out to be much more than a fantasy? Do we necessarily always drop down to reality?

Food for thought and I'd like to live to see this happening. Hey, I just got a goal to live for yet life sucks now coz nothing I want is accessible to me and...*sigh* I don't know what I want."

My mom once told me that when you reach 21, you realize how immature you are. Now them fancy pants are calling it a, 'quarter life crisis'.

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