Sunday, December 19, 2010

The challenges of being a straight 'feminist'

The title of this new set of rant and rambling is not to suggest that most or a lot of feminists are gay or as they are offensively called 'Dyke'. But I will, nonetheless, purport that being the two together can really challenge handicap your personal life & the chances of romance in it.

I believe the contemporary world is actually much more archaic than we are led to believe or would like to believe. And when I say archaic, I quite obviously refer to the pillars of patriarchy holding a firm control over everything that gets decided or in the way things are concluded. Hence, essentially we are the socialized products ergo victims of the 'archaic patriarchal' processes.

Let me clear here that feminism does not interpret itself to hating 'man'kind. In fact, feminism is a lot similar to anarchy which is all about sticking it up to 'the man'. Feminism is, simply put, about egalitarianism. However, because of the way we've been socialized ergo victimized, the idea of a man and a woman on an equal pedestal or their roles being flexible from what it used to be or as naturalists argue, "what it was designed to be in the first place', is just so insufferable to 'the system' i.e. of course the invention of man alone.

Get the picture? That most guys I talk this kind of shit to would just take on their heels and dash. Men only seem to want women who titillate them, live out their (highly socialized and misconstrued) fantasies and claim no more than what they are 'originally' entitled to. I don't know of too many men who'd like a counterpart that challenges them or forces them to think beyond the given. Maybe its coz men are privileged enough (as socialized) to be born in the gender and that the world is at their feet leaving them nothing more to strive for.

As strong headed I come off in these writings, I am actually a very chilled out person. I don't have too many demands especially not the petty ones like, "Why didn't you call me to say goodnight?". But I've realized men don't mind these kind of petty demands. They'll get you the chocolates, the teddy bears and you can enslave them to a world of material requests. But where it really counts (for women like myself) to assert or ask to be treated with respect, perhaps equality, they tend to take it personally i.e. on their masculinity a.k.a manhood. This only leaves you to be a....


"Sensitivity. Empathy. Acceptance. Hey, that's what your gay friends are for!"

I used to have similar kind of conversations with a guy I dated 
No, this is not a male bashing exercise. If you have any sense at all, you'd be able to tell that I'm trying to highlight the dysfunctions of a system too stagnantly long in place. Men are not emotionless creatures. A lot of male bashing happens on this perceived pretext, which is another product of the patriarchal menace. But what is true about men is the sense of great denial they live in for the longest time. Its like a bubble they don't want to burst or a safety blanket they don't want to slip out of. So if you throw words like subjugation, misogynist or chauvinist at them, they would confidently and earnestly deny the charges. No guy wants to be 'the bad guy' but I think they sincerely don't know how or when they are being just that.

"If you have so many complaints with men and since there are no good ones out there, why don't you give women a shot?" This is a question often thrown my way and honestly I think its pretty offensive. It purports women as second choices to men and perpetuates the stereotypical belief that women turn to women only out of their frustration and scars with/from men.
Also, do I really have to make such extreme choices in life? That I either have to settle for being the gilded bird or switch my orientation to feel loved, desired and appreciated?

Patriarchy is leaving this little faith in 'man'kind and giving so little credit to womenkind. Who the hell is profiting from this then?

Saturday, December 11, 2010

All you need is love

As the year is coming to a close, my habitual reflection on the events that occurred has already begun. It is all but normal to do that and I don't think I'm the only person who sits and wonders to judge whether or not this year has been good for her in terms of accomplishments, stability, excitement, adventures, love and general happiness.

I seem to have drawn a pattern from my year end evaluations where I believe that all my transition years have been difficult, even if rewarding and highly fulfilling. Well, I can't deny that as I grow older, life just gets tougher and the sooner I accept that the better it is for me. And really, the kind of person I am and given the age phase that I'm in, changes or transitions are not inevitable but also GOOD! Yet, one cannot disagree to say that transitioning phases have a unique sense of struggle to it, no matter what.

All in all, it has been going quite great! I'm finally out of the dreadful education system that I felt I was rotting in and feel that I'm living out the greater part of my potential out in the professional field. And though, I have tons of complaints while even being part of the action, I wouldn't wish to ever go back. Well, I wouldn't wish to go back on anything. Is that a sign of contentment?

I thought researching, documenting and analysing my quarter life crisis would help me to prepare myself for future surprises, bolts and hiccups well, which it has, but it hasn't resolved all the issues from the past, which is an unrealistic expectation to begin with. Events and instances helped me realize that I'm still carrying so much baggage from the past to the point that I've felt no better than I did when I was 16. The repercussions of this realization made me feel small, immature and inferior to many in my league and peer group. But since I'm in no pressing hurry to grow up, it also gave me a lot of breathing space to just be myself. Seeing a few friends marry and some others contemplate their long term commitments as potential nuptial ties, it just made me think how I am nowhere close to even being ready. There are those who think in a few years of 3-4 while others can't imagine any possibility due to the lack of a present prospect, I neither can put a time line to it nor can I guarantee I'll be able to if I find a stable companion. In fact, just the possibility of meeting a great guy (one who doesn't have unresolved baggage or act like a college kid) seems quite fantastical at this point.

I don't think I'm even a quarter of the woman that I can be or want to become. I think I've just begun to have a taste of life. I think I'm really still negotiating a lot of personal spaces in terms of relationship with my parents, the kind of girl I am, the kind of girlfriend I make etc. I'm just slowly sinking into responsibilities but the best part of it is that I'm choosing and creating those responsibilities instead of just accepting whatever's thrust my way (Of course, I do get a lot of flak for not easily succumbing to the latter).

What I've liked most from this year is how I've begun charting out my path in life and that for me is the most important. Surely doing something like this is not easy and is bound to be difficult when more so often you find yourself alone on your side versus everyone. Its been so difficult that at times I just have wished to be like everyone. Actually, I've wished that I was someone who'd do what everyone did in blissful ignorance. That way, I wouldn't have had to deal with most of my painful deviances. Its not that I'm trying to be different, its just that I am, involuntarily. Blind acceptance I have tried, very earnestly, and have failed apart from being miserable. Either way, I'm miserable. Might as well be while doing my own thing.

Here's to another year of being miserable my way!

P.S. Maybe what I can hope for the new year is to be loved more generously. I think I have been praised or appreciated in my moments but the love has been missing for a while. And its not JUST pampering and coddling that I refer to, although there's nothing that a soft, big kitty likes more than being hair brushed and warmly rubbed. No, I'm not suicidal. I do know that people love me but that's more like a cognitive awareness than an emotion I was made to feel. We all need to be made to feel special and loved in all display, gesture and touch. Is it too much to ask for without belittling me in judgement?