Building Castles in the Air: First Date

On our first date, we would go to a park. Minus any blanket or lunch baskets. Just our cameras, curiosity (mostly about each other) and excitement to shoot the outdoors. I would be dressed something like this...

What he wore, wouldn't really matter much to either of us. Not that what I wore would but it'd be as delightful as sugar flour sprinkled on doughnuts.

We'd be on our own trips to click what we individually felt like. We'd share. We'd experiment. We might even compete. But not to do out do the other. Fine, I might have a tad bit of the streak but I'd be humbled by his acceptance...not of defeat but of my idiosyncrasies.

We might hold hands. Almost accidentally without either particularly intending to do so. Our hands would brush each others' a lot. What felt from it would defeat our game plays or power politics.

We'd horse around a lot. Not the 'watch out for the tickling monster' variety. Just let go of social inhibitions. Strike silly poses. Push our own limits of acting child like only to appreciate that side of us more.

Naturally we'd click each other a lot; in moments when either one was too busy clicking something else. Neither of us would feel too beautiful to pose for a fancy photo shoot. But we'd be comfortable in each others company to make silly faces and trust that they would be framed well.

We'd lie on the grass. Click the skies, the trees, our horizontal portfolios. We'd hopefully find a cafe nearby. We'd choose to sit outdoors. Light a smoke, at least I would. Preferably, there'd be a slight nip in the air to enjoy the steam from our coffee and the warmth of our bodies leaning over to make discrete fun of the families sitting close by or that distant couples' matched clothes.

We'd fiddle with each others' fingers. He'd gaze deeply at me. I'd just feel more awkward than shy and gaze away at the clouds or anything a distance away. I'd end up asking hypothetical questions. He'd answer playfully. I'd make fun of his responses. I'd be caught in a strange dichotomy of feeling conscious (even shy at this point) yet wishing the day wouldn't end. Ideally, he'd sense it all and play along and shoot me some silly, hypothetical questions. I'd whip out my camera by now to shoot people in the cafe. He'd use his to take some scenic shots.

It starts to get dark and we'd decide to also dine there for supper. But first, we'd get us some affordable (not cheap, though) wine. He might ponder over a beer but I'd insist we share the wine, both for the connection and to split the costs. Mood would set in soon after.

I'd open up to my 'wilder' side. I'd begin flirting slightly more shamelessly. He might blush or be endeared by my mood switch. I'd become bolder with every sip from the glass and before I'd consciously realize, my right foot will not be on the floor any longer. We'd definitely be clutching our hands at this point. But he's also hungry. I wouldn't insist on anything in particular so ask him to order the main course but insist on doing the same with the desert. He will oblige (if he knew any better for himself). I'd feel a li'l (or a lot) wet by now.

We'd share our food. No one would dare or even think to feed the other. None of us would want either to be eating out of their hands. Definitely, not at this point. But we'd pick each others' food liberally and especially enjoy doing that.

After settling our accounts fair and square, we'd take the auto to my place. He SHOULD make the bold step to lean over and kiss me. We make out with the air blowing on our faces. I'd play with his hair a lot. He'd be gentle throughout. His hands would scurry about my dress, wanting to feel the obvious. That would only get me more excited. Auto driver would be unresentful of it all yet careful only to steal a few glances from his rear view and not stop and stare.

Auto gradually makes a stop. So do we. I'd have the broadest smile on my face and feel like not a care in the world about the serious public display of affection I just indulged in.

I'd walk inside my home and my phone buzz and I'd read, "Thank you for coming with me". 

The challenges of being a straight 'feminist'

The title of this new set of rant and rambling is not to suggest that most or a lot of feminists are gay or as they are offensively called 'Dyke'. But I will, nonetheless, purport that being the two together can really challenge handicap your personal life & the chances of romance in it.

I believe the contemporary world is actually much more archaic than we are led to believe or would like to believe. And when I say archaic, I quite obviously refer to the pillars of patriarchy holding a firm control over everything that gets decided or in the way things are concluded. Hence, essentially we are the socialized products ergo victims of the 'archaic patriarchal' processes.

Let me clear here that feminism does not interpret itself to hating 'man'kind. In fact, feminism is a lot similar to anarchy which is all about sticking it up to 'the man'. Feminism is, simply put, about egalitarianism. However, because of the way we've been socialized ergo victimized, the idea of a man and a woman on an equal pedestal or their roles being flexible from what it used to be or as naturalists argue, "what it was designed to be in the first place', is just so insufferable to 'the system' i.e. of course the invention of man alone.

Get the picture? That most guys I talk this kind of shit to would just take on their heels and dash. Men only seem to want women who titillate them, live out their (highly socialized and misconstrued) fantasies and claim no more than what they are 'originally' entitled to. I don't know of too many men who'd like a counterpart that challenges them or forces them to think beyond the given. Maybe its coz men are privileged enough (as socialized) to be born in the gender and that the world is at their feet leaving them nothing more to strive for.

As strong headed I come off in these writings, I am actually a very chilled out person. I don't have too many demands especially not the petty ones like, "Why didn't you call me to say goodnight?". But I've realized men don't mind these kind of petty demands. They'll get you the chocolates, the teddy bears and you can enslave them to a world of material requests. But where it really counts (for women like myself) to assert or ask to be treated with respect, perhaps equality, they tend to take it personally i.e. on their masculinity a.k.a manhood. This only leaves you to be a....

"Sensitivity. Empathy. Acceptance. Hey, that's what your gay friends are for!"

I used to have similar kind of conversations with a guy I dated 

No, this is not a male bashing exercise. If you have any sense at all, you'd be able to tell that I'm trying to highlight the dysfunctions of a system too stagnantly long in place. Men are not emotionless creatures. A lot of male bashing happens on this perceived pretext, which is another product of the patriarchal menace. But what is true about men is the sense of great denial they live in for the longest time. Its like a bubble they don't want to burst or a safety blanket they don't want to slip out of. So if you throw words like subjugation, misogynist or chauvinist at them, they would confidently and earnestly deny the charges. No guy wants to be 'the bad guy' but I think they sincerely don't know how or when they are being just that.

"If you have so many complaints with men and since there are no good ones out there, why don't you give women a shot?" This is a question often thrown my way and honestly I think its pretty offensive. It purports women as second choices to men and perpetuates the stereotypical belief that women turn to women only out of their frustration and scars with/from men.
Also, do I really have to make such extreme choices in life? That I either have to settle for being the gilded bird or switch my orientation to feel loved, desired and appreciated?

Patriarchy is leaving this little faith in 'man'kind and giving so little credit to womenkind. Who the hell is profiting from this then?

The rare confession of a 'closet romantic'

Romance is frivolous. No one can or would argue much against it. Yet, we ALL are suckers for it. Sure, there are people who take it to very corny levels of display with the red roses, heart shaped chocolate boxes, heart shaped cushions, heart shaped chikies (yes these too are available!), droopy eyed stuffed toys, stuffed toys with the hearts, love song CD collections, those li'l books titled '1000 reasons why i love you', lifted lines from bad movies, declaring yourself as 'in a relationship with....' on facebook and I think i've pretty much covered most of the drift.

Romance is certainly a market that never runs dry or even much redundant. There couldn't be better examples than the movies & Mills & Boon where writers may have run short of quirky and cute ways of making people fall for each other but that same story is a runaway hit each time. Hence, they needn't even think any further.

In my own li'l fantasy world, too, I've always imagined my romances and relationships in techni-color and have a tendency to do so unabated. Then, how is it that I love hating love stories? Here's understanding how and why.

The capitalist market has cashed in a lot on romance and I, suppose, that's where my grouse with romance lies to begin with. This consumerist notion of romance, relationships and love is a sell out, unoriginal, unintelligible, too often tacky and too convenient. Especially with the last one, my contention is nothing about love or romance is convenient or should be coz if it is or becomes, then the thrill and excitement is stolen away for an easy come and easy go. I love fast food but I don't like the concept to spill over to every other aspect of life.

Yes, i'm cynical about the consumerist version of romance but more so over the way its done often. Also, i'd like to emphasize on the underlying gender stereotype/bias to this truth. Like really, guys don't get teddies or even friendship bands. Even if they do, they don't keep 'em. These frivolous, the lot of which i mentioned before, li'l plastics are mainly targeted for women, whose girlfriends (lesbian or not) and boyfriends will buy for them. Its like what most feminists purport i.e. to the underlying tones to many general things around us that often reinforce beliefs that are so deeply socialized, from early on in our becoming. Here, the underlying tone that gets reinforced every valentines and friendships day is that women are petty to fall for things like such. Sure, you call it 'cute' but so much is belittled of women in knowing that they can be easily won over by these means.

Yet, i'm not dismissing everything that Archies/Hallmark make in absolution. They have their place, which is why they are so often relied upon. But they are only the means to something great, not the end product of that greatness. Some of the cards read out very beautifully but you know, a girl doesn't necessarily like a poet but a guy who expresses himself...in whatever way or language. Don't pick up that love song collection with too much pink on its CD cover but make her your own mix with your own artwork on the cover. Trust me, she might not like the song or the art but will be over the moon with the gesture. They also come in more reasonable ranges, not that an expensive gift is necessarily impersonal. The point is of being genuine, not a cheapskate.

It may not seem like it but i'm not playing advisor girl here. In my own unapparent way, I'm disclosing a secret, unknown to many and shattering a myth, commonly understood about me. That...i'm a marshmallow inside when it comes to love and romance. Despite consciously understanding the roots and processes of my socialization, I know that having a guy head over heels for me is at the top of my wish list, maybe even above being intellectually appraised. This isn't to say that I only want that. I'm a greedy woman. I want all the goodies on the wishlist from Santa i.e. life.

It is because i'm a romantic, the true blue kind, that makes me despise all the RED. But I do understand and want the RED for what it represents. What is cute about it is not dog, the heart or the 'I love you' but the extent that a guy will go for you i.e. in being petty himself, which is undeniably flattering. Like i said, the RED and romance has its place, only not a defining one.

Hi, I'm Makepeace Sitlhou and i'm a romantic.

Romance is dead *sigh*

Old school bases

Its true (and apt here) what this columnist named Anna Strongin has honestly admitted in her article,

"For whatever reason, when I’m trying to avoid studying I frequently find that my mind trails to the subject of sex."

Now whenever I'm on vacation (which is pretty much 'routine' for someone who's still a student), I usually plan my time in a way that I spend it most productively. Not that I resent or repent this attitude for its got me a lion's share of experience in the field, yet i truly and utterly never had a mental vacation. This season i'm having my first and yes, i'm absolutely loving it. Yet, my traditional need for productivity, my only excuse of my neuroticism, still needs to be sublimated, channelized.

And while I usually fantasize all the REALLY dirty stuffs, surprising to my inherently unromantic nature i found myself romanticizing those small yet significant gestures that we participate, unfortunately, only in the commencement of our new found love.

It is my earnest effort to bring focus (through my writings and other postings) to the less spoken about or heard of. And I don't suppose "getting to first base" is anything to glorify to your peers or co-workers yet we all know how wide is the gap between social displays and intimate reality.


'Holding hands'

Ahhh...the chill that runs down your spine when that special other just slips his useful hand (especially if that is his working hand!)into yours as a full and final acknowledgement of his feelings to you and as an acclamation that there's nothing better he'd like to do with it (although it shouldn't be because he has nothing better to do).

'Playing footsies'

Yes, its absolutely 6th grade level romance yet it has this infantile charm of innocence with a slight bit of a Devil's streak. Sure 'adult' style, you can take your foot far upwards to base 3 ;)

'Cuddling'

This is my personal favourite which is why I like my men big and soft :). But it expanses into various kinds in different settings and situations. The suggestion may seem fluffy yet creates an intense emotional orgasm. So whether in the car seat, naked in bed, on the sofa while watching your favourites or just even looking out the window or next to the fireplace, its a total tenner. But avoid getting too comfortable in a restaurant or a party.

'Soft kisses'

Keyword: SOFT! Because the agitated ones swiftly and directly lead to sex. Not that those are undesirable but simply not the point of this piece :)
Interestingly there's something called a kissing sex, a union only of the lips and tongue and take it from me, it is more than satiating! :P

'Hickies a.k.a. love bites'

The first trademarks of sexual liberty and our naive stamp of love. I have to say, though, more than anything we derive a sense of social pride from it. Either way, its fun to leave evidences of the moments of the night/day before.


'Dancing' (...in the moonlight, ideally I suppose)

Yes, more than anything, its a purely romantic gesture. But then we all have seen or at least heard more than enough about 'Dirty Dancing'. Taking dancing classes together is God awful romantic without question and a healthy way of spending that 'quality time' couples' counsellors endlessly rave about. My simple suggestion would be to just set your itunes to 'Flightless bird American mouth' by Iron & Wine and float away in each others' arms.


'Hand jobs'

Somehow hand jobs alone aren't given much credit. Its another one of those ol' naughty ways of passionate lovers to do each other, minus the hassle of getting naked or on each top of each other. Its thrilling to have a private time discrete from public knowledge and speaks volume of the understanding and chemistry between the two.
This may sound too forward to be added to such a descriptive directory of sweet "nothings" but eventually we all like to move (if only slowly) towards our destinations, although it not being the ultimate point of it all.

I have consciously evaded 'serenading under the sky' in the list as i'm not a personal fan. Nothing more touching than someone dedicating a number to you and hitting it in the best chords they can. However, it has an equal potential to turn out corny or plain crappy. Besides, its also more of a courtship gesture of a more one sided effort to please the other. In my own opinion, the worst from the Victorian ages.

I hope to have rekindled memories and the tingling joy of these gestures that in social science has been reduced to 'first base' of sexual intimacy. But sex is just an overrated experience if the built up to intimacy, that lays the foundation of a psychological even spiritual connection, is underrated.