Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Birthday blog - Lost and unfounded

You know that rhetorically stupid question, "So how does it feel to be 18 or 21 or 30?"
And while you're really wondering if you're supposed to be feeling something, you reply in all pomp, "Great!".
This time, however, I actually felt something. 'Different' is the closest I can come to while describing my wandering soul in my own world and the world I inhibit. I don't have any straightforward answers but only more questions. Sometimes, I don't have answers at all.
As part of my agenda with this blog (not that you really need one), I thought of reflecting on some important aspects of my life, perhaps, to see how far I have gotten to achieving my goals and more importantly, how content am I with where I am.

Body/image perception:- I'd like to begin with saying that the world is very cruel on this regard. It certainly has ways of manipulating you into seeing things from their eyes, neglecting the novelty of your own. The world has sort of touted me as a late bloomer on this aspect with my "feminity" only beginning now to start the circle (yeah, its still not taken full circle). Despite being well aware of what the world expected me to look like, I'm not making any conscious efforts now to "fit in". My evolution is absolutely my choice in the socialization of what best suits me. My well rounded figure, gigantic appearance (especially from behind) and once-in-a-while awkward face is part and parcel of a beauty, that does not come in glossy pages. At the risk of sounding narcissistic, I have never felt more beautiful!

Achievement:- I've never been an all-star kid. For that matter, I'm the jack of only some trades. Being an average Joe, however, is no excuse to aim low and I'm a living example of it. Perhaps its ambition more than brilliance that gets you places. And like any prodigy or dork, I've had my share of wonderful highs and humiliating lows. I don't know exactly at what point does a career begin but I can smile upon all the work (be it the littlest of contribution to an organization) that i've done so far. My grades have never been higher than a 'High Average'. Curse my lack of competitiveness for it. A lot of times I've learned from doing what was not supposed to be done. Yet, I've never run into a rabbit hole when a contemporary or junior challenged or wanted to know more from me. And as embarassing as they are, I've never been too ashamed of my bloopers either. Its a subjective take but I've treated achievement as when i'm moved or changed by it far more than resting on appreciation or external reward. But for the sake of my CV, distinction in college is still a dream away.

Identity:- This is perhaps the most fucked up part and shall never so much as come to being very resolved. Its very hard to put it in words but I don't really think I have a sense of absolute belonging anywhere. Being raised in a multi-cultural mainstream definitely has had its disadvantages. You may be able to adapt to many environments, however, do not fit in any. And the ironical thing is that it is a more sensitive matter with others than me. I could breeze through life the way I am but for a good couple of moronic idealists. Moreover culture, identity and community is always a sensitive issue with others more than the individual self. This will definitely have a huge bearing on who I eventually settle with. But more than anything, I just want someone I can come home to. Home being acceptance more than the pressure to conform.

Sociability:- I like to think of myself as friendly, that undeniably I'll always be. Not so much in degree but qualitatively I've "evolved" a lot on this front. And as bleak as it will sound, I still do believe for the better. For one, I've learned to rely on my own companionship a lot more. Its not just a matter of personal space but how I can fancy the idea of spending saturday night with cable and popcorn just as much as drunken stupor with friends. Of course technology has its own part to play here but to some extent even keeping that aside.
Then there is the selectivity of people I want to be with. I don't mean to put myself as an heiress who has to pick her entourage but there just increasingly are a lot of people I'd rather not waste my time with. On top of it, owing to a bitter experience, I'm (unconsciously) overcompensating in becoming socially and emotionally blunt. In the past, I would pursue before the blink of an eye whilst now I either have the two most assumed words for anyone or the benefit of doubt to someone one means something more. Sounds awfully crude but one has a lot to lose in a heartless world.
I'm still very open to variety of people and their traits but my tolerance for non-sense, merely hypocrisy and prejudice, has drastically decreased. There is a stark lack of initiative too, especially with newbies, as the offense to the ego at the event of rejection is insufferable. The status quo is sad as there is a permanence of loneliness because the self is not enough and the bird in hand might as well fly off to the bush any moment.

Relationships:- This is of course in multifold respects and not merely revelling in the obvious connotation. I don't know the kind of position I really take on here. Again, perhaps (over-indulging in the usage), honesty is almost everything to me. I do say 'almost', meaning courtesy/obligations can never really be sidestepped. But Britney Spears sang it for me when she said, "Baby, what you see is what you get". It is this transparency of emotions and thoughts that make me immature about relationships. Unfortunately (only for me, I suppose), mind games and psychological warfare happen just as much in interpersonal relations as is engaged in a luncheon or a political conference (which is said to be done out of necessity). I forgive easily and usually let go of my pride. I feel the need to breathe easy in my own lair as I'm so much on guard out there in the jungle. Needless to say, I have suffered; much more because of my own doing and of being this way and there are miles to go before I can sleep on this one.

Enlightenment:- I probably feel the most positive on this particular aspect of life. Enlightenment to me is all that I have come to learn, acquire and understand. And I can safely call myself one of the sharper knives in the shelf. I have a take on issues that is usually very unique and original. Wit and sarcasm are amongst the most fully bloomed. I would unabashedly credit myself with a lack of a wide gap between book and street smarts. More than anything, I have full confidence in the awareness of the usage of my know-how and skills, regardless of how wide. The only thing I'm cautioned about is putting my foot in my mouth, a tendency I'm gullible to. A lot more wisdom is necessary with a li'l intellect.

So this is how it feels to be 22. I'm sorry this wasn't the answer you were looking for?

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