Saturday, December 11, 2010

All you need is love

As the year is coming to a close, my habitual reflection on the events that occurred has already begun. It is all but normal to do that and I don't think I'm the only person who sits and wonders to judge whether or not this year has been good for her in terms of accomplishments, stability, excitement, adventures, love and general happiness.

I seem to have drawn a pattern from my year end evaluations where I believe that all my transition years have been difficult, even if rewarding and highly fulfilling. Well, I can't deny that as I grow older, life just gets tougher and the sooner I accept that the better it is for me. And really, the kind of person I am and given the age phase that I'm in, changes or transitions are not inevitable but also GOOD! Yet, one cannot disagree to say that transitioning phases have a unique sense of struggle to it, no matter what.

All in all, it has been going quite great! I'm finally out of the dreadful education system that I felt I was rotting in and feel that I'm living out the greater part of my potential out in the professional field. And though, I have tons of complaints while even being part of the action, I wouldn't wish to ever go back. Well, I wouldn't wish to go back on anything. Is that a sign of contentment?

I thought researching, documenting and analysing my quarter life crisis would help me to prepare myself for future surprises, bolts and hiccups well, which it has, but it hasn't resolved all the issues from the past, which is an unrealistic expectation to begin with. Events and instances helped me realize that I'm still carrying so much baggage from the past to the point that I've felt no better than I did when I was 16. The repercussions of this realization made me feel small, immature and inferior to many in my league and peer group. But since I'm in no pressing hurry to grow up, it also gave me a lot of breathing space to just be myself. Seeing a few friends marry and some others contemplate their long term commitments as potential nuptial ties, it just made me think how I am nowhere close to even being ready. There are those who think in a few years of 3-4 while others can't imagine any possibility due to the lack of a present prospect, I neither can put a time line to it nor can I guarantee I'll be able to if I find a stable companion. In fact, just the possibility of meeting a great guy (one who doesn't have unresolved baggage or act like a college kid) seems quite fantastical at this point.

I don't think I'm even a quarter of the woman that I can be or want to become. I think I've just begun to have a taste of life. I think I'm really still negotiating a lot of personal spaces in terms of relationship with my parents, the kind of girl I am, the kind of girlfriend I make etc. I'm just slowly sinking into responsibilities but the best part of it is that I'm choosing and creating those responsibilities instead of just accepting whatever's thrust my way (Of course, I do get a lot of flak for not easily succumbing to the latter).

What I've liked most from this year is how I've begun charting out my path in life and that for me is the most important. Surely doing something like this is not easy and is bound to be difficult when more so often you find yourself alone on your side versus everyone. Its been so difficult that at times I just have wished to be like everyone. Actually, I've wished that I was someone who'd do what everyone did in blissful ignorance. That way, I wouldn't have had to deal with most of my painful deviances. Its not that I'm trying to be different, its just that I am, involuntarily. Blind acceptance I have tried, very earnestly, and have failed apart from being miserable. Either way, I'm miserable. Might as well be while doing my own thing.

Here's to another year of being miserable my way!

P.S. Maybe what I can hope for the new year is to be loved more generously. I think I have been praised or appreciated in my moments but the love has been missing for a while. And its not JUST pampering and coddling that I refer to, although there's nothing that a soft, big kitty likes more than being hair brushed and warmly rubbed. No, I'm not suicidal. I do know that people love me but that's more like a cognitive awareness than an emotion I was made to feel. We all need to be made to feel special and loved in all display, gesture and touch. Is it too much to ask for without belittling me in judgement?

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